Dan Goodman's prediction and politics journal.

Friday, January 23, 2004

From: Donna
Newsgroups: rec.arts.mystery
Subject: Re: Characters you would like to see meet.
Date: Fri, 23 Jan 2004 23:28:01 +0000

Jeremy wrote:

> Who would you like to see meet in a story. I am not talking a one paragraph
> but an actual encounter.

I once did a dinner party scene with odd characters meeting. Here it is:

Miss Marple (settling down with a nice cup of tea): So dear boy, what do you do?

Leonard Pine (Joe Lansdale's Hap and Leonard series): Well ma'am, I've had a number of jobs - I've been a bouncer at a titty..... errrrr..... gentleman's club, a security guard in a chicken plant - all sorts.

Miss Marple: I see. Well, I'm not sure exactly what a bouncer is, but don't you think it's time you settled down and got a proper job – a policeman say, like my nephew, or a vicar. We don't have enough vicars - no wonder the country is going to the dogs. What does your wife say about all these dead end jobs of yours? Wouldn't she prefer you to be a policeman or a vicar?

Leonard: Actually ma'am, I'm gay.

Miss Marple: Well, that doesn't stop you being a vicar. I remember the Reverend Snograss at St Mary Mead, and he always had a happy smile on his face, and a gay greeting for everyone.

Leonard: No ma'am. I'm gay - as in homosexual.

Miss Marple: Oh dear, well, I understand that that sort of thing does go on amongst the lower classes. But NOT in St Mary Mead. Maybe you should give up your idea of being a vicar.

Meanwhile, across the room......

Spencer's girlfriend Susan signals the waiter

Susan: Just a small glass of water please. Still. Hold the lemon.

Nero Wolfe (through a mouthful of truffle): Have you tried the buffet Susan? They have the most wonderful duck a l'orange.

Susan: Buffet? Oh no. I have to sit up this end of the room away from it. All those calories wafting through the air.

Nero Wolfe: Here, taste this goose liver pate. It's quite superb.

Susan: Oh no thank you. I ate last Tuesday.

Nero Wolfe: Last Tuesday? What did you have?

Susan: A small stick of celery. I make it a point to have a stick of celery every other week. Of course, I don't swallow.

Nero clutches his chest in horror. Or it may be an attack brought on by too much cholesterol.

On a sofa in the corner:

Andy Dalziel (Reginald Hill) scratches his crotch.

Dalziel: So, lass, fancy a bit of fun?

Kate Fansler (Amanda Cross): When you say 'fun'. I hope you're not trying to denigrate the struggle of wimmin in crime fiction to be portrayed as people rather than as sex objects.

Dalziel: Bloody hell lass, I like a feisty bit of skirt. Give us a kiss.

Kate Fansler: You pig....you, male chauvinist pig. Wimmin in books should make a stand against disgusting dinosaurs such as you.

Dalziel: Alright hen, there's no need to get your knickers in a knot. I were just after a bit of a fumble that's all.


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